


grows while i decay.

by fkeyouout



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Christmas, Comfort, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff, Hospitals, M/M, Nurse!Tyler, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-08-05 13:53:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16368824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fkeyouout/pseuds/fkeyouout
Summary: This part of the story was intended to be finished before Christmas, but I lost the motivation and love I had for it, so sorry about that.Also sorry if the ending isn't satisfying, or seems rushed, but I couldn't leave it unfinished and wanted to get it over with.I promise I'll find motivation again soon and finish my other works too.❤️





	1. one.

_ Fanconi anemia.  _

It sounded fancy, as 5 year old Josh had first thought upon hearing the words leave his doctors mouth as they sat around nervously in her office after finding countless suspicious bruises scattered across his pale skin, but  _fuck,_ having a rare genetic disease and a body unable to repair its own DNA was a complicated pain in the ass. 

Going through round after round of bone marrow transplants at the age of 6, forcefully harvested from his baby brother’s placenta, instead of learning to play hide and go seek in the streets and exploring the forest behind their houses with his friends, was a pain in the ass.

Developing an aggressive form of cancer in his shitty white blood cells as a result of the damn disease at the age of 10, and having every single set of eyes in his school follow him along the hallways when he first made his return with bags under his eyes and a lack of those usual brown curls, was a pain in the ass.

As was sitting through the insufferable sessions of chemotherapy throughout his whole early teenage years; a needle stuck in his veins, puke filling the bucket left beside him, and the pitying stares of parents with equally fucked up kids landing on him from across the room.

But maybe, Josh figured, it had all been worth it - the days of burning pain coursing through his body, the nights of his mother’s muffled crying sounding from the other side of her bedroom door, the loss of a normal childhood - just to hear those words at the age of 16.

_ “You’re in remission.” _

~

He remembers being at Dustin’s overcrowded house, a disgustingly warm beer in one hand and the other resting on a nameless brunette’s waist, bass-heavy music pounding in his ears as his balance fumbled slightly.

The darkness gets replaced by blinding bright whites, and the only sound he hears is the familiarly dull hums and constant  _beep. beep. beep._  of those machines. His mother’s angered voice cuts through the noise, still unintelligible and hazy.

It feels like he’s underwater, and he’s drowning.

_ He’s drowning. _

~

“Hey, it’s okay.. you’re okay,” an unfamiliar and slightly shaken voice soothes at the next flash of the lights beaming down on him; a hand resting gently on his chest to keep him laying down despite the fact that his body is screaming at him to run from the alarm sound ringing around the room. 

There’s a tube up his nose, and the familiar dull sting of a needle jabbed into the crook of his inner elbow, and he feels like he can’t breathe. Even with the oxygen being forcefully pumped into him, he can’t breathe. 

The back of another hand, warm, rests against his forehead, swiping matted curls of hair back from his face. “I need you to take a big breath in for me, okay? In and then out, we’ll count togeth-“

Josh just about makes out the blur of blue in front of him, brown hair too he thinks, before a new voice is interrupting and the figure is backing away, and the warmth of the hands are being replaced by cooler ones instead; stronger, more steady and coarse against his skin as he’s invasively examined - face twisted from side to side and eyes blinded by a smaller light. 

“You’re okay,” the owner of the cold hands reiterates, although it feels less comforting somehow this time around. “Just in shock, which is expected. We’ll give you a minute to come around, Joshua.”

He blinks once, twice, and then lets the artificial oxygen take over.

~

“-letting him to go parties like that, and on his own too! Anything could’ve happened,” his mother rants furiously in a voice supposed to be hushed and go unheard, but sounds like screaming regardless in the tedious silence of the hospital room. “You know that his body is probably still weak anyway, and-“

“Laura, we can’t keep babying him forever because of his past.. he’s an adult now and-“

“I am still here, you know,” Josh interrupts with a huff, voice still hoarse and his throat still dry from the air being forcefully pumped back into his lungs; his parents both turning their gazes back towards his bed.

One pitying, and one defeated.

“And I’m 22, ma. I can look after myself.”

“Clearly not,” she snaps in spite of the pleading look on his father’s face, and storms her way back over to his bedside, “We wouldn’t be in hospital right now, with you hooked up to an IV drip, if you were responsible enough to look after yourself, Joshua. What was it? Too much drink?  _Drugs?”_

Head dropping back against the propped up pillow with a sigh, Josh defends simply, “I only had three beers at the most, I don’t know what you want me to say. Maybe I’m just a lightweight. Or y’know, maybe God hates me enough that he decided to bring back the ca-”

He’s cut off by the sharp crack of skin to skin contact; his left cheek already beginning to feel numb, with only a slight sting left behind where his mother’s ring had caught the skin of his cheekbone.

“Don’t you dare say that,” she warns, voice wavering and her already tired eyes beginning to water as she stares at the red mark left behind on his skin; hand reeling back to clap over her own mouth instead as she sobs. “Don’t you dare-"

His father is by her side in seconds, arms wrapping around her shoulders and resting his head atop of her own as he shushes her exhausted cries; eyes meeting Josh's own with a look of disappointment that only serves to make him feel a million times worse for making the offhand comment, and leaves him wishing that he really could just slip back into unconsciousness this time. 

"Ma, I'm sorry," the brunette whispers, reaching out as far as he can, without it feeling as though his chest is about to tear in half, to wrap his fingers around her shaking own. "I'm just.. just _tired,_ and confused and.. frustrated. That was uncalled for, completely.. I just want to know what happened as much as you do."

The sound of the door shutting behind someone, and the squeak of shoes against the freshly cleaned linoleum floor interrupts before further apologies can be made - a grey-haired doctor, glasses resting low on the bridge of his noise and a clipboard full of papers in hand looking over the three of them with a quirk of his eyebrow. 

“This isn’t a bad time, is it, Mrs. Dun?” He asks, voice as cold and uncomfortable as the hands Josh recalls poking and prodding at his face the last time he was conscious. 

It seems like a pretty bad time to Josh, with his mother still recovering from her tears beside him and a blooming bright red mark in the shape of her dainty hand slapped right across his otherwise colourless cheek, but she shakes her head no anyway. “What is it? Have you found out what happened to him? Was he drugged, something in his drink? Or-“

”Mrs. Dun, I think you and your husband should have a seat while we go over the results of Joshua’s tests,” he informs, the solemn tone of his words instantly making Josh’s stomach twist with instant regret for his earlier comment, as he signals to the bedside chairs with a tilt of his head. 

Fuck.

He can barely stand to look at his parent’s pained expressions as Dr. Hill, as his name badge reads, announces in a sympathetic sigh ”I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, Mr. Dun, but it appears from the results of your testing that you’re suffering from heart failure.”

Josh almost wishes that his mother’s broken cry from beside him was enough to drown out the doctor’s next words.

”It's extremely rare, especially to occur this far past the final course of chemotherapy treatment, but ischaemic heart disease has been found to develop in the minority of past acute leukemia patients as a consequence of the treatment itself," the older man explains, flipping onto the next page on his clipboard and scanning through the medical nonsense as though he was simply going through his daily routine.

"So, what?" Josh scoffs, no attempt to even disguise the bitterness in his voice as his eyebrows furrow together, "I survive cancer, only for it to give me another fucking life-threatening disease? First my own blood can't do it's job and now my heart is fucking failing too? What kind of bullshit is that?"

"Josh-" His father begins to scold, no doubt embarrassed by his somewhat childish outburst and foul language, though is interrupted again by the unbothered doctor.

"Mr. Dun, while I appreciate that this is shocking news to you and your family, something that may take a while to fully adjust to the idea of, there are ways of stabilising the disease for the time being, and treating it when the time comes," Dr. Hill drawls, compassion lost in his monotonous reading of Josh's file in front of him. "With a condition like this, the only type of treatment with a success rate that we can provide is a heart transplant - as of today, you have been entered onto the waiting list for a donor under the priority status 1B. Not critical enough that your stay needs to be monitored in the ICU, but still to where we believe it'd still be best for you to stay in the premises for the time being to continue providing medical treatment for your condition."

"Of course, a person in need of a donor can remain on the waiting list for months, or even years, until a match is found, and whether or not to accept the donor heart when the time comes is your decision completely. While it is advised that you undergo the operation, the risks are still something that you and your family should take the time to consider over the coming weeks."

"What kind of risks?" His mother pleads, voice cracking as she reaches her free hand out to clasp Josh's own; the supposedly reassuring squeeze of his fingers making his stomach drop at the unfairly familiar reminder of their days spent this way all those years ago.

"The most common risk with donor operations is that the body won't accept the organ, attacking it instead if it is seen as foreign. There's also the possible complication that the new heart simply won't function correctly in the new body, leading to graft failure. Though, as I said, these are simply possibilities to consider. With approximately 80% of transplant patients, everything goes to plan."

Gaze diverting away from the doctor's undeniably punchable face, and instead focusing on a loose thread on the thin sheet thrown over him, Josh rasps, "And the other 20%?"

"Focus on the positives, Mr. Dun, and try to get a little rest."

~

 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

The constant sound of those machines is going to send him crazy before his heart can even try to fail on him, Josh decides.

~

Or maybe, he figures, after he tells the third snotty nurse he's had in one week to fuck off for belittling him, that the hospital will just kick him out onto the streets and leave him with his shitty, useless heart until it decides to stop beating.

~

It's just past 7am, meaning it's time for his first mundane checkup of the day, and Josh is just about ready to tell whichever one of the useless assholes that they decided to send this time to just leave him alone to go back to sleep when he opens one eye with a squint, and notices that the figure writing something on the small whiteboard hung up on his door is.. not one of the condescending blonde bitches after all.

He's dressed in the same light blue scrubs that the rest of the nurses wear, except with a longsleeved black t-shirt poking out from underneath, and might just be the most handsome man that Josh has ever had the pleasure of witnessing in his 22 years of life; faint curls of dark brown hair pushed back off of his naturally tan face, sleepy looking eyes hooded with long eyelashes that flutter with each tired blink, and plump lips being bitten in concentration as he fills out the information board silently.

He isn't entirely sure that the unnaturally fast thump of his heart is completely down to his condition alone anymore.

"Are we in a better mood this morning, Joshua?" The voice cuts through his thoughts, soft and teasing, with the smile that takes over his slightly chapped lips being evident in his words alone, as the stranger pops the cap back onto his marker pen and turns to meet his own fascinated stare.

"I, uh.."

"I'll take that as a hopeful yes," the brunette smiles, pen being tucked back into the upper pocket of his shirt where his own name badge rests; reading 'Nurse Joseph'. He approaches the bedside, smoothing down a faint crease on his scrubs, and hums "You know, it's not often that I have to move wards because there's a patient that the other nurses are starting to refuse to treat."

"It's not often that I'm an asshole to hospital staff," Josh retorts with a halfhearted shrug, eyes still lingering on the way the other man's smile leaves a tiny dimple in his cheek, "but I figured, if life is going to be so shitty to me, then why should I act any different?"

Eyebrow raising inquisitively at Josh's immediate defence, though the lazy smile still lingering on his lips, the nurse nods in understanding. “Not a believer in karma then, I see.”

“The whole concept of karma is just complete bullshit invented in a weak attempt to try to better society. People end up acting fake nice in the hopes that they'll get something good in return - it's selfish.”

”Maybe,” he shrugs in return with a contemplative bite of his already chapped lips, holding out one hand in front of him and signalling for the younger to lift his arm too; warm fingers wrapping themselves around his lower bicep and carefully removing the clear plaster covering the needle below, “but sometimes we need something positive to believe in, right? What’s it all worth if we don’t?.. I need you to hold still for a minute, just while I take your IV out.” 

Finding himself automatically nodding at the request, Josh relaxes his arm in the older man's gentle hold and almost feels his eyes flutter at the way a thumb brushes tenderly along his inner elbow. “Dude, how do you have such a positive outlook on life? You work in the one place that sees the most death and heartbreak and.. unfair tragedies.” 

“I also see some of the best parts of life every single day..” the nurse retorts with a hum, carefully removing the needle from it’s uncomfortable position and immediately pressing a piece of gauze to the punctured part of his skin; his other hand reaching for the small roll of medical tape in his pocket as he lists off, “the reunion of families in a time of need, unmatched happiness when people receive good news, unexpected recoveries from those unfair tragedies.. it’s not all bad.” 

And as much as Josh really wishes he could focus on what the other brunette was saying, because for once he was genuinely intrigued by one of the robots that roamed his ward, it was undeniably hard when soft fingers were smoothing down a strip of tape across his inner arm and embarrassingly leaving his arm hair standing on end.

With a clearing of his throat in a weak attempt to simultaneously change the conversation and disguise his own embarrassment, Josh points out, “You sound really familiar.”

”You remember me?” he asks, the clear surprise painting itself across his face as he tilts his head questioningly and guides the younger's arm back down to rest on the bedside.

“..Have we seriously met before?” 

"Not necessarily met, per say," the other brunette clarifies with a tap of a button on the machine hooked up to the wires plastered to Josh's chest, taking note of a number that flashes up on the screen, “but I was on call the night you first woke up, doing the night rounds of the wards. I was just about to leave when you started to show signs of consciousness, but you were in shock, and still pretty out of it.”

_Of course_ it was him.

Clearly busy and unable to stick around to chat long enough for Josh to fluster himself completely, the man halts any further conversation with another flash of that easy smile, "As much as I'd love to stick around and catch up, the clock is ticking and I have a whole ward of patients to see. Everything looks good here at the moment, but I'll see about losing the cannula later once I've checked in with Dr. Hill. Oh, and Joshua?.. Please try to be a little more accommodating to the other nurses from now on. You wouldn't want to have to see me every single day, now would you?"

~

He doesn't find out the pretty nurse's name until exactly three days later, when one of the blondes who had originally put in a complaint about his refusal to cooperate mutters that _"Tyler must be something pretty special"_ if he can manage to take Josh's vitals without a single objection, when he begins to huff and puff at the way her nails accidentally dig into his arm.

_ Tyler. _

It suits him, Josh decides.

~

He doesn't get to _see_ Tyler again until exactly one week later, when the other brunette turns up at the door of his hospital room with a mockingly annoyed expression on his face; sleepy eyes rolling as he leans up against the doorframe with his arms crossed across his chest.

"Hearing your name come up in conference room conversations, or complaints should I say, is becoming a far too common occurrence, Joshua."

And maybe, just maybe, his failing heart feels itself stumble over a beat at the way his name sounds coming from the other man’s lips; raspy but still velvety smooth. 

"S'not my fault that I'm sick of eating shitty microwave meals and pots of pre-prepared fruit," Josh shoots back, the uninterested sigh that follows being one that's supposed to cover up the barely noticeable tremble in his voice, as he looks up at the other man with a quirk of his own eyebrow.

"I'm not sure that being upset with your meal is a reasonable enough reason to swear at your nurse," Tyler hums, nose scrunching up adorably as he approaches the bedside and lifts the plastic lid of the other boy's abandoned meal in investigation, "Or make her cry for the second time this week."

And sure, hearing that he'd made an innocent person who was just trying to do their job cry thanks to his annoyance with the hospital situation as a whole left some lingering guilt in his stomach, but he couldn't really complain about the end result - something that his out of control mouth feels the need to confess to brunette without second thought.

"Well maybe the food wasn't the real problem," the younger considers, fingers reaching up to tangle nervously in the baby curls at the nape of his neck at just how ridiculous his next words were going to sound. "Maybe I just wanted to see you again."

Ridiculous because really, he'd only actually met this man briefly once before, knew near enough nothing about him other than the fact that he was a nurse, and had only found out his name through listening too closely to the accidental grumbles of his colleagues.

"You just wanted to see me again," Tyler repeats incredulously, stilling in his movements and tilting his head at Josh with the faint beginnings of a smile on his lips.

Acting as though he couldn't feel the shameful rosy red colour beginning to burn on his cheeks, Josh offers in an echo of their first conversation, "It's not often that you get the chance to flirt with a good-looking guy when you're confined to a hospital bed."

"That's what this is, huh? Flirting?" the brunette quizzes with a breathy huff of amusement, a soft dimple forming beside his lips as his the smile grows into a smirk, "Must be pretty bored in here if flirting with your nurse is what you've resorted to for entertainment." 

"As entertaining as it is to hit on guys way out of my league, it's not just out of boredom," he defends with a smirk of his own, biting down on the inside skin of his cheek to hold back the full blown grin threatening to take over his face.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah," Josh nods, leaning to lie back against his pillows with a feigned shrug of nonchalance "I was actually just hoping that I could soften you up enough to convince you to sneak out of here. Bring me back something decent to eat.”

“Well, maybe your plan might’ve worked.. if you hadn’t just exposed yourself and all,” Tyler teases in return as he takes one of the plastic chairs planted beside the bed, bringing one leg up to rest on top of the other as he pulls the crappy food tray closer towards him. “Now, are you going to eat your dinner, or do I have to get the spoon aeroplane out and feed you like a baby?”

“I’ll eat if my dinner happens to be a cheesy gordita crunch with a heap of nachos, and maybe a caramel apple empanada on the side.. but other than that? No,” the younger concludes with a shrug, well aware that he was being beyond difficult at this point, but also still willing to push his luck as far as it could go so long as he was trapped in this hell hole. “Come on, Tyler.. please? You can even get something for yourself, on me, I’ll-“

A look of brief confusion, mixed with slight entertainment, flashes across the other man’s face as he interrupts Josh’s pathetic plea with a simple, “How do you know my name?” 

And though he thought he’d been flustered before upon his initial admission that he thought Tyler was cute, being called out on his creeping was something else entirely - his whole face feeling as though it’d gone up in flames as the nurse waited for an answer with satisfied grin pulling at his lips.

“I, uh.. they, one of the other nurses, she uh,” Josh began to stumble in explanation, wishing he could just disappear beneath the shitty bedsheets as the awkwardness seeped into his words, “She mentioned you, the other day. When they were.. _yeah.”_

Clearly sensing that the other brunette was seconds away from imploding out of pure bashfulness if that conversation continued any further, Tyler simply informs with a smile, “Look, Joshua, as much as I would love to bring you something to eat so that I can go home tonight knowing that you aren’t sat here starving yourself.. it would be against my professional opinion to do so. The meals that you’re being given are ones that have been decided as what’s healthiest for you by your doctor and the dietician, with your condition in mind. It’s important that you keep your body, and more importantly, your heart as healthy as possible for the time being.”

“Healthy,” he scoffs at the typical medical spiel that the other man was probably trained to reel off at every other patient with the same condition; running one hand down his face in exasperation. “My heart’s fucking failing, dude.. I can’t keep it ‘healthy’ if it’s already decided to start giving up on me.”

“Joshua, you-“

“Can I take a nap now, or do you need to do some other nurse shit before you leave?” Josh huffs, uninterested in hearing any more of the condescending, and undeniably useless, life advice that he’d already had drummed into him by both his family and and damn Dr. Hill; ignoring the instant swell of guilt in his stomach as he caught sight of Tyler’s face dropping in the corner of his eye.

Clearing his throat quietly as he stands from the chair, one hand running back through messy curls with a tangle of one finger around a loose strand, the nurse answers quietly. “No, your vitals have already been checked today, so I apologise. I’ll leave now, if you’d rather have some time alone.”

He really doesn't want to have some time alone, but the door closes long before he finds the courage to admit that.

God, he's such an asshole.

 

~

 

He gets visits that week from his brother, both of his sisters, Dustin (who is unnecessarily apologetic about the whole rental house party incident, despite the fact that Josh reassures him multiple times that it wasn’t in fact the beer that was the problem, simply just his malfunctioning heart) and another of his friends called Debby.

Jordan, being the awesome brother that he is, brings him that caramel apple empanada that he’d been craving against everyone else’s wishes - it’s definitely the best thing he’s tasted in the past two weeks, but it stupidly reminds him of the defeated look he’d last seen on the pretty nurses face.

Abby and Ash bring him fucking _books_ to read, despite the fact that reading is the least appealing hobby to him in the entire world, but he plasters on a fake smile anyway and thanks the two of them for at least finding the time to visit when they’re both so busy with school and college.

Busy with _normal_ kid things.

Debby is the one who calls him out on his wandering mind, pointing out that she can’t even begin to think of one single thing that could be interesting enough to leave him distracted in a hospital of all places.

He can only think of that one thing.

 

~

 

It takes two more days and exactly five glimpses of the other brunette walking through the corridor and past his window for Josh to finally man-up and venture out of his room with an apology already stinging his lips.

He knows that the doctor’s advised him to stay in bed, or at least in the safe confines of him room and the emergency button, as much as possible, but he’s more than certain that he’ll go insane as the guilt eats away at his other organs if he doesn’t speak to Tyler soon.

And it only takes around ten minutes of confused wandering around the dull, white and seemingly endless hallways before he spots the other man; tapping in a combination of numbers on the vending machine and watching a fun-size pack of Oreos fall to the bottom.

“Didn’t take you as being a double-stuffed Oreos kinda guy.”

Visibly flinching at the sudden, startling noise from Josh standing only mere feet behind him, Tyler turns to meet his gaze with a slow blink and he instantly feels a million times worse than he had originally - the brunette looks _tired,_ with his hair messy from what the younger assumes to be constant tugs with his fingers, and his eyes sleepy with faint black circles starting to show beneath them.

_ “Josh.” _

“..Are you okay, man?”

“Oh, yeah,” Tyler nods quietly, voice still velvety smooth even when it’s laced with drowsiness in a way that almost makes Josh’s head spin too; reaching up to rub at his eyes with the heel of his hand, “Sorry, it's just been a really long shift over night.. bunch of emergencies came in at once. Just tired, is all.”

He hums in understanding, despite the fact that he can’t even begin to relate to the stress that must come alongside the brunette’s job. “You on your break or something?” 

“That I am,” Tyler confirms with a gentle wave of his snack packet, “I’m doing a double, to cover for another nurse who had a home emergency. Just grabbing something to eat before my next shift.” 

“You can’t seriously just be eating a packet of Oreos for lunch if you’ve been working all night,” he snorts, somewhat entertained by the apparent awful diet of the same person who was monitoring his, although the hypocrisy doesn’t seem to be lost on the other man. 

“I thought you weren’t a fan of people giving out diet advice?” 

“Look, man, I’m sorry about that.. it’s just.. that’s actually why I’m here,” Josh sighs, with an awkward scratch of his jaw where the beginnings of stubble are starting to grow as he meets Tyler’s attentive gaze, “..Why don’t we go to the cafeteria? You can get like, something _real_ to eat and I’ll explain myself.” 

“Is this your way of asking me on a lunch date, Joshua?” the brunette teases, that faint smile that he’d stupidly found himself missing over the passing days returning at the eye-roll that his comment caused. “Come on then.” 

And maybe it hadn’t clicked with him before, all of those times in the past couple of months where he’d had to pull himself out of basketball games early or take a break from drumming practice after only a song or two, but the unexplained loss of his breath seems to make sense as he walks the corridors; falling a step or two behind the other man as he feels his lungs beginning to gasp for air, and catching the older man's attention with his quiet wheeze.

One palm pressed flat against the wall to keep himself steady, Josh attempts to blink away the fuzziness of his vision; only focusing when that same warm hand comes up to rest on his shoulder, thumb just brushing the jut of his collarbone soothingly. "Hey, it's okay.. We're almost there, but we can take a second. Don't push yourself."

"M'fine," Josh breathes out with a sigh, working on steadying himself again as he focuses on matching his inhales to the same pace as the gentle brushes against his skin. "Just my shitty heart, y'know. Not doing it's job and stuff.. Guess that makes this date thing easier, huh? 'Least I don't have to explain to you why I don't function like a normal human being."

With Tyler's grin being the first thing he finds focus on, tongue between his teeth and all, the other brunette hums, "Oh, so this really is a date then?"

"Shut up, asshole, and help me walk."

 

~

 

It's the same story he tells everyone. A rare genetic disease diagnosis and faulty DNA at the age of 5, a childhood spent on the operating table, a new aggressive cancer diagnosis at the age of 10, teenage years spent suffering through chemotherapy, and what he thought was the reward for all of his suffering at the age of 16 in the form of being in remission. 

Except now, there's a little more to it.

"I started showing signs of it way earlier, but I never would've expected it, you know? Being tired and running out of energy quickly isn't exactly unusual for a college kid who sits on his ass almost all day, eating junk food and playing video games." With a bite of the loose skin around the edge of his thumbnail, persistent from a combination of boredom and anxiety, Josh continues, "Guess my heart just got sick and tired of waiting around for me to notice that something was up, and decided to plow me down in the middle of a rowdy house party instead."

Plastic spoon still stirring his half-emptied cup of soup absentmindedly, Tyler frowns at him across the table; the same sympathetic look that he got from everyone who heard said story. "I'm sorry, Josh.. It's awful that you've had to go through something like that. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but to have to experience it as _a child.."_

"S'okay," he shrugs, a reassuring smile on his lips as his ankle bumps against the other man's own in a move he would claim to be entirely accidental. "You have to learn to live with it at some point, and just accept the fact that you can't change the past. Doesn't make me any less bitter about this new development, but I'm past the stage of feeling sorry for myself.. I think, at least."

"If you ever need to talk about this stuff.. or just, get anything off your chest, I'm always around. And not just because it's my job to check in on you, either," the brunette assures, with a mirrored smile and a returned graze of his foot against the younger's own beneath the table. "I'd much rather do that than have you keep it to yourself, and then eventually snap."

Of course he was going to be reminded of his major dick move.

"Listen, about the other day.." Josh begins, gaze instantly shifting from the other man's own out of embarrassment and major guilt.

"Josh, I didn't mean-"

"No, you're right.. I was an asshole, and you didn't deserve that at all," he sighs, bottom lip being bitten in the process. "I was just tired, I mean.. I am tired. Of hearing the same thing over and over again. My parents visit and the only thing my mom talks about is 'staying healthy' and 'getting better', and then they leave and I have the exact same conversation with the nurses. I can't eat anything I like anymore, can't do anything that I enjoy.. I'm not even allowed to leave this place until they're sure that my medication is right, and that it's safe enough for me to go home. But it wasn't right for me to take that out on you. It's just your job, I get it, so.. I'm sorry."

Tyler nods, whether it's in understanding or just acceptance he isn't quite sure, but it soothes his nerves regardless; the older man pushing his now cold lunch to the side and tearing open the packet of Oreos with an admittedly adorable yawn, as he takes one and nudges the rest towards Josh with a sly wink. "I've only got 5 minutes left of my break, so are you gonna help me finish these or not?"

 

~

 

He dreams of Tyler, in a totally not creepy way, because in his defence there's really not a lot going on to spark creativity in your night visions when you spend your day in an isolated hospital room. He dreams of Tyler not in his scrubs, but sat beside him on the hill just beside the lake on his old college campus; a beanie pulled down low over his ears to shield them from the fall winds, and his warm fingers playing with Josh's own between the two of them as they just watch other people pass by.

He thinks dream Tyler might just be about to kiss him, gently on the outer corner of his lips, when the door of his room being swung open startles him awake; the blinds already being drawn back by his mother as he catches his breath.

And the day starts again.

 

~

 

Their singular lunch spent together, somehow, seems to spark more frequent visits to his room from the older man; Tyler replacing the blue-eyed blonde as his primary RN, so long as he's on shift, and always being the first face he sees in the morning as part of his daily checkup - something that makes the sleep interruptions and early wake-up calls a little more forgivable. If the other man has a spare 5 minutes of his lunch break, Josh finds him stopping by with a smile and usually a snack for them to share, despite his constant teasing about breaking the doctor's rules that makes Tyler roll his eyes and shake his head with a smile.

And though _that_ had become a regular thing for the two of them, when the door to his room squeaks open that evening in interruption of his reading, he's expecting a family member to appear in front of him, not Tyler; one that looked more similar to dream Tyler, with a lack of those ugly blue scrubs, and instead wearing a black cap low on his face and a loose grey hoodie that was probably a size or two too big for him.

"Hey," Tyler smiles, crooked teeth poking out from behind his lips, before the younger can even fully collect himself from his wandering reminder of dream Tyler; shutting the door behind him quietly and joining him at his beside instead. "What're you reading?"

"Just some dumb book my little sister gave me to pass time, one about cancer kids apparently." Placing the book face down on his opened page, he asks with a raise of his eyebrow, "Better question.. What are you doing here? You said your next shift wasn't until tomorrow morning."

"I can't just stop by and see my favourite patient without it being suspicious now?"

Josh can't help but snort in response, and roll his eyes dramatically, if only to distract from the fact that the same pink flush is beginning to creep up his neck at the other man's words. "I don't think it's very professional to have a favourite patient, but I won't tell if you don't."

"Deal," the brunette hums happily, as he shrugs a black backpack off of his shoulders and plants it onto the bed just beside Josh's feet; already reaching to unzip it as he settles in one of the shitty plastic chairs. "Just thought you could use some company for once. Trust me, I know how boring it can get in here, Josh. And it's also pretty boring to play.. _this_ alone."

He almost has to stop himself from rolling his eyes again, when Tyler pulls from the bag, with that annoyingly adorable grin pulling at his lips, a nintendo switch console and the Mario Kart game to go with it.

"Bad choice man."

"Hm?"

"I'm totally gonna crush you," Josh grins, shifting to sit up against the propped up pillows and taking the controller being held out to him; not so subtly brushing his fingers against the older man's own in the process. "I'm the ultimate Mario Kart champion, seriously.. my little brother is yet to win a race against me, and we've been playing this game for years."

"Oh, really?" Tyler tilts his head at the younger with a skeptic squint of his eyes, and lifts his feet to rest them alongside Josh's on top of the covers with a warm-up stretch of him arms. "We'll see, Joshua, because I am also a self-proclaimed Mario Kart champion who is yet to be beaten by two baby brothers. Battle of the champions, huh?"

"You're so on, Joseph."

His first loss is entirely accidental - the urge to keep peeking at the other brunette's face, instead of focusing all of his attention on the screen, being annoyingly hard to resist; the simple way his tongue pokes between his teeth, and the dimple that forms between his furrowed eyebrows in concentration, making Josh's heart beat a little more irregularly than usual.

The second loss, that one is Tyler's fault - cheeks showing signs of a flush themselves, he'd lost the hoodie after his first win. And Josh was more than sure that anyone in the entire world would find themselves distracted by the way the other man's white t-shirt rose to reveal a slither of his tanned stomach each time he jumped up in his seat at the small victories.

And the third loss? Well, Josh decides that maybe, just maybe, he was destined to lose from the beginning when it came to Tyler Joseph.

 

~

 

It’s November, before Josh even realises, and in a complete contrast to his initial weeks in the hell that was now his apparent home, the passing month had gone by like the blink of an eye - no doubt thanks to the pretty nurse that now spent what was more or less all of his free time as the younger’s main source of company.

Lunch breaks were now their thing, with the two of them spending each one together whenever Tyler was on a day shift either in the comfort of his room or the cafeteria; Josh pulling faces at the healthy meals the other brunette chose to eat in a weak attempt to convince Josh to do the same, and Tyler doing the exact same, with that adorable scrunch of his nose, whenever the younger drank his so called 'dirt water'. 

Most of Tyler's evenings, when he wasn't on a night shift or busy with 'adult chores' at home, were also spent by his bedside; spending their time talking life, music, dreams and even outer space as the older man continued to crush him with every Mario Kart race they engaged in. (Although, Josh is still obnoxiously proud of that one time that he beat the other brunette first time at Super Smash Bros.)

And really, he figures, he'd be a complete and utter liar if he said that he hadn't started to develop a real crush on the other man over that time.

It was hard not to, with the way Tyler smiled at him, all overcrossed teeth and soft dimples and squinted eyes, and made him laugh until it felt like his heart really could implode; the brunette's breathy laugh itself leaving his hairs standing on end every single time. Just the way he tangled their feet together beneath the shitty hospital sheets on the particularly cold days, or ran warm fingers back through his hair in a teasing ruffle before leaving each evening, left Josh craving something more.

Which is exactly how he found himself bluntly blurting out the question on his mind, after dropping hints each day had gotten him nowhere.

"So, are you ever actually going to like.. _ask me on a date?"_

Gaze instantly leaving the form he'd been filling out to meet Josh's own, Tyler blinks back at him with a look he can't quite but his finger on; something between slight confusion and that overjoyed glint that he gets in his eyes whenever he's far too excited over something.

"Seriously?" he asks, head tilting and the clipboard in his hands being abandoned on the spare chair beside him.

"Uh, seriously.." Josh confirms, the wave of humiliation that probably should've stopped him in the first place hitting him at full force from the tension seeming to suffocate him whole room, as he presses a hand to his face to hide from the possibility of rejection. "Sorry if that was.. rude or like.. unprofessional? I just thought that maybe- well, it kind of seemed like you felt this thing too and I may as well put it out there and get an answer, 'cause then if you turn me down I can at least get over it but-"

"Josh," the brunette interrupts with a round of that gentle laugh, and leans across to rest his hand on top of his leg with a comforting squeeze. "Calm down before you send your blood pressure through the roof.. I would _love_ to take you out."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," Tyler nods, thumb beginning to stroke soft circles against his thigh as he shakes his head teasingly at the younger; the toothy grin on his lips only serving to darken the flush already on Josh's cheeks. "It's been on my mind for a while, but I wasn't really sure how to bring it up.. Why else do you think I spend so much time with you?"

"Because I'm your favourite patient?"

"Well, that too," he agrees. He bites down on his bottom lip softly, as if to reign in his overly-enthusiastic smile, and runs his tongue across the tiny indent left behind. "How about tomorrow? I'll need to talk to Dr. Hill first to see what we can do about getting you out of this place for a while, but if he agrees.. what's there to wait around for?"

"Tomorrow, yeah," the younger beams, avoiding looking directly at the other man's annoyingly charming face out of the fear that he'll melt into a puddle on the spot if he does. "Yeah."

 

~

 

Tyler turns up at exactly 4:37 PM (Josh knows, because he's admittedly been checking the time every few minutes for the past hour or so), with the tip of his nose and cheeks flushed a light shade of pink from the biting winds outside, a thin stack of sheets in his hands and an instant look of apology in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry that I'm late," he breathes out, sounding almost as if he'd dashed the whole journey to the younger's room as he fumbles with the papers. "I know I said 4, but I thought I'd have time to go home after my shift to get ready and then traffic ended up being awful on my way back here and there was a slight problem with the paperwork so-"

"Tyler," the brunette interrupts with a soft smile, in an echo of the same conversation they'd had less than 24 hours prior, as he shifts to hang his legs off the side of the bed. "You're going to send both of our blood pressures through the roof if you don't calm down. It's fine, seriously.. Not like I'm busy, or like you've made me late for any other plans. My only other plan was finally finishing that godawful cancer kid book my sister gave me, but it can wait."

Tyler sighs in relief, leaning back to rest against the arm of the visitor chair as he places the main form on Josh's lap and runs the back of his hand across his forehead.

"Not the best start to our first date, huh?.. But we're free to go now, so long as you sign the permission form. Bunch of medical stuff, about how far we're allowed to go, for how long, but I'll worry about that. Not you."

Unclipping the pen already hooked onto the form, Josh signs along the dotted line with a snort. "Dude, you don't need to explain it. I'll sign anything if it means I can get out of this place."

"Perfect.. C'mere then." The older man reaches for the looping plastic tubes already pre-prepared on his bedside table, and lifts the younger's face with his free hand the second he sighs in defiance.

"I don't see why I need to wear that."

"To breathe, Joshua," he hums, thumb smoothing tenderly across the brunette's cheekbone as he hooks the tubes in place with his other hand; arching over his ears and fitting not so comfortably in his nostrils. "I know you don't like it, but it's just a precaution. Can't have you blacking out on me mid-date, now can we?"

Josh resists the urge to sigh again, eyes fluttering shut at the feeling of Tyler's warmth against his skin, and lets him fiddle with the connecting portable oxygen tank without further rebellion. "Wouldn't have that problem if you went out with a normal person instead."

"It's just part of your charm, man," Tyler assures, the younger not even needing to look at his face to imagine the way the other man's lips are probably turning up at the corners ever so slightly, as a pat to his thigh signals their cue to leave. "And you are normal, so stop with the self-deprecation before this date turns into a self-love seminar instead."

He ends up wrapped up in Tyler's scarf and beanie, in spite of his initial refusal as he hadn't wanted the older to suffer from the cold instead, and with a bulky winter coat that covers the small oxygen tank bag zipped all the way up to the top. With his insistence that he knows the perfect place to go that isn't too far, too cold or too dangerous for Josh, Tyler takes the lead and within less than 10 minutes, the two of them are seated in a window booth at a small, but cozy coffeehouse with dimmed lighting and obscure French art plastered across the walls; the combination of sweet smells that he hasn't experienced in what feels like forever now being more than enough to send him slightly dizzy.

"You hate coffee.. and we're in a coffeehouse."

"I do hate coffee, but you love it," Tyler counters, as he slips his own jacket off and settles back into the velour seat; legs tangling comfortably with the younger's own beneath the booth almost by instinct. "And the food here is pretty sick, too. The things I would do for a slice of that cherry pie.. I pretty much always stop by here after late night shifts. it's kinda calming, you know?"

Josh can definitely see the appeal - the whole space radiates warmth, with the low hanging ceiling lights, handwritten menu boards and winding strings of artificial flowers that loop around the dessert display case. It feels homely, and sitting in that quiet booth with the pretty nurse smiling at him fondly is the most normal that's he's felt in months.

He pulls the beanie off with a tousle of his flattened curls, places it down in front of him and readjusts the cannula with a mirrored smile. "It's perfect."

"I'm glad you think so." The brunette flips the small drinks menu in front of them, scanning the selection, and asks, "So, when you're not being forced to drink cheap, cafeteria dirt water, what's your drink of choice?"

"Dude, it's November now so it would be like, illegal to not choose the eggnog latte," he points out with a little too much enthusiasm for a conversation about coffee, as the older man mockingly gags at even the mere suggestion of his favourite.

"As much as I love the holiday season, can't agree with you there, man.. It's hot chocolate or nothing when it comes to winter. But sure, I'll get you your eggnog crap."

He knows that it isn't the greatest idea to start falling for the person who is being paid to be his caregiver, and he knows that there has to be some moral or legal boundary that could get Tyler in trouble if their relationship were to progress further into the deep end, but those thoughts still can't stop Josh's gaze from affectionately following the other man as he orders for them at the counter less than 10 feet away. He can't control the way he feels something churn in his stomach when he sees another flash of that smile, or the way his heart flutters sickeningly as Tyler bites down on his bottom lip and combs his fingers back through windswept curls.

But at least, he figures, if his shitty heart does decide to pack it up in the near future, he'll die finally understanding _that feeling_ that people always talk about.

"Stop overthinking.. I can see it on your face."

The tone of the older man's voice is clearly teasing, but he still quirks his eyebrow in silent questioning anyway, to which Josh assures that he's fine with a simple nod of the head; instead switching his attention to his drink as Tyler places down his own whipped cream covered hot chocolate, and a slice of cherry pie with two forks balanced on top.

"You know, you never did finish telling me your story the other night," Tyler begins, and Josh is thankful for the instant change of conversation - for the way the other man seems to know when to not push him. "About that time you almost got arrested."

"Right, _that story._ " He takes a sip of his coffee, and internally moans with pleasure in the hopes that the embarrassing sound didn't actually leave his mouth, before continuing with a swipe of his tongue across his lips. "So, one of the guys I'm in this band with tells me that he's got us a gig. Not a paid one, but a show's a show, right? We turn up, and it's a frat house party packed with, well.. you know what a college party looks like. I already knew nobody would give a shit about the music, but we still got up there anyway. We're maybe two songs in, and some drunk asshole starts trying to pee on my drumset-"

Tyler's laugh cuts off his sentence, infectious even when it's muffled behind the rim of his mug. "Serious?"

"Deadly serious, and that's not even the worst part," the younger snickers, unable to not echo the simple sound. "I see him pull his pants down, and I'm so ready to jump up and kick his ass.. and that's when the sirens start up. Cops got a noise complaint, and I mean, with the amount of illegal shit going on in that place, there was no way I wasn't bolting. I almost got caught trying to find a way to take my drums with me, but had to ditch them in the end."

"Those poor, helpless drums," the brunette sniffs, slapping his free hand dramatically over his heart with a shake of his head. "The things they must've seen when you left them behind."

The beginning of a giggle at Tyler's silliness leaves his lips, but dies off almost as quickly as it had begun when he glances to the side and is met with the one thing that he'd always despised as a child - people staring, or at least, one woman and a small child glancing at him warily across the room. The mother's eyes filled with the sight of pity that made him sick, and the little boy looking something between confused and frightened.

He wishes his emotions weren't always so blatantly painted across his face.

"Hey." The other man's voice snaps Josh out of his thoughts, his soft and comforting tone making a return, as he reaches a hand up to meet Josh's own where he's been unknowingly fiddling with the plastic tubes; intertwining their fingers together with a squeeze. "What's up?..I lost you a little there."

"S'just.. people are looking," Josh mutters beneath his breath, focusing his gaze on their linked hands instead; the way tan skin contrasts his own, how small his hand seems in comparison, the way those fingers feel silky smooth against him. "I know I act confident, like nothing bothers me, and I'm a complete insensitive asshole sometimes but fuck, I hate it when people stare at me. Like they'd never seen a kid with cancer before, or a man who needs fucking artificial oxygen because his own shitty heart can't function right. Like I'm some kind of.. _freak."_

Tyler frowns, glancing at the culprit briefly himself, and announces with complete and utter certainty in his unwavering voice, "You are n _ot_ a freak, Joshua Dun. People look because you're different, and they don't always understand that. They don't know how to process it. But being different is what makes you _you,_ as cliche as that sounds. Let them stare.. so what? They don't know shit about you. They don't know that you're one of the bravest people out there, that you've dealt with so much bullshit that nobody in this world deserves. But _you do,_ and that's all that matters."

He also wishes that Tyler wasn't so undeniably perfect.

"Thank you.. for that. For everything."

The older man presses a kiss to the back of his knuckles in response, lips curving up against his skin, and adds, "They're probably also staring a little because of the fact that you're the prettiest boy in the room, but I'm not so mad about that one."

 

~

 

He doesn't want to leave. In fact, he wants to stay there in that cushy corner booth forever; exchanging shy smiles with the other brunette, hiding his growing flush against the material of his hoodie each and every time a kiss is pressed to his fingers alongside a compliment and sharing forkfuls of pie with a laugh as though the world was simply waiting for them to choose to return to reality.

But the world doesn't wait for anyone, and their curfew comes around before Josh can even take a second to breathe; Tyler checking up on his oxygen tank once more before bundling the younger back up in his winter clothes and grabbing another slice of pie to go, pumpkin this time, to give Josh some relief from the continually awful hospital meals.

The walk back through those same dull, white hallways is silent, with their hands remaining linked between them, until they reach the door labelled with his name on a fading whiteboard.

"Sorry we couldn't stay out longer, or y'know, do something more exciting," Tyler begins to apologise in a break of the silence, and Josh almost wants to roll his eyes in disbelief, "but it was really nice, spending some time with you outside of this place."

"It was perfect, Tyler," Josh assures, praying that the enamoured flush beginning to flare up on his cheeks can be passed off as a simple reaction to the winter temperatures. "Seriously, I know it was simple but just getting me out of this place for a couple of hours was more than I could've even asked for, so.. thank you."

The older man smiles, the hand not already linked with Josh's trailing upwards to curve around the back of his neck; tanned fingers winding themselves in the baby curls there with a slight scratch that sends a visible shiver down the younger's spine. "Will I be seeing you for a second date?"

Leaning a little closer, he hums his reply against the brunette's lips. "Definitely."

Freshly chapped lips, ones that taste of cherry and hot chocolate, meet his own before the word can even leave his mouth in it's entirety, and Josh is pretty sure that he's already died and gone to heaven with the way it leaves his whole body feeling faint; Tyler's nose accidentally bumping against the tubes as he tilts his head to deepen the kiss, and his breathy laugh brushing against Josh's own pouted lips making the younger beam like a child on christmas morning.

He's finally above the water.

He's not drowning.

 

~

 

He knows something is wrong instantly, when a pain deep in his chest jolts him from his sleep, and leaves him feeling as though he can't breathe.

He blinks once, twice, but everything looks blurry; the room, the blinding white lights, _everything,_ and the only sound he hears is the sudden, blaring emergency alarm ringing in his ears.

He just about makes out a rushing blur of blue in the corner of his eye, and then everything goes black. 


	2. two.

His body feels numb, but the pain is worse, somehow. There’s that same tube up his nose, and the recognisable dull sting of a needle jabbed into the crook of his inner elbow, with another wide needle evidently buried beside his ribs this time, and he really can’t breathe. His whole chest feels heavy, like he's being anchored to the bed beneath him, and he can’t breathe.

There's no warm hand soothing his worries this time, though. No comforting murmur to guide his breaths.

Just that same, venomous bark or his mother's that he's grown so used to hearing now, as she gives someone a piece of her mind just out of earshot.

He's slowly being dragged back beneath the surface.

 

~

 

"You said yourself it wasn't safe for him to not be in hospital care," his mother practically growls, in the same way that used to strike fear in him and his siblings when they were younger, though it fails to have the same effect on a seemingly unbothered Dr. Hill. "So tell me why on earth he was free to leave, and in the middle of _winter_ to make things worse, without any kind of contact with us first."

He can't stand to look at the furious expression on her face, or find the energy for his own anticipated telling off, so closes his eyes and sinks back into the pillows in the hopes that he might just disappear.

"Mrs. Dun, while I understand your concerns considering Joshua's condition, he wouldn't have been allowed outside of the building had the proper safety precautions not been in place," the man informs bluntly, almost bored of having this conversation and as apathetic as ever. "All of the potential risks were assessed beforehand by the same nurse who was required to accompany your son while outside of the building, and due to him legally being an adult, contact with you was unnecessary as Joshua was able to fully consent himself and sign the relevant documents."

The vague mention of Tyler alone makes his stomach twist anxiously, and he can't help but hope that the raging woman beside him hasn't gotten her hands on him yet.

"Just because he agreed to it doesn't mean it was safe." She slumps down in the chair beside him, and just by the tone of her voice he can picture the exact scowl on her face. "And your staff should be more cautious when agreeing to this.. _ridiculousness!_ How well could this nurse have assessed the risks if we're sitting here right now?"

"Again, Mrs. Dun, while I appreciate your concerns and completely understand your upset with the development, this type of deterioration is common within the condition anyway. There's no saying whether or not the external environmental factors had an effect on the rate of deterioration or not, but more than half of patients who suffer from heart failure find themselves experiencing this decline as the heart slowly becomes less efficient during the wait for a donor."

They'd told him, when he had first came around in a breathless panic and an unfamiliar room, that he was in the ICU now. Or as he sometimes thought of it, the place where they stick you when you have more chance of dying than surviving.

His shitty, useless heart, had somehow gotten even shittier and even more useless - not only could the damn thing not function properly on it's own, but the muscles of his heart had begun to weaken too, leaving them unable to keep up with the constant flow of blood passing through and causing his blood to back up the tubes travelling to his lungs.

Which is exactly why it felt as though his lungs were weighing down his chest like they were filled with rocks. Because they were, filled with fluid, at least.

It feels like it's slowly killing him, which it kind of is, he guesses, and as much as he loves her, Josh wants nothing more than to not hear his mother's voice again for the rest of the day; he just wants to sleep, and pretend that maybe this whole wreck is just a sick dream that he'll wake up from at some point.

Throat dry and voice hoarse with pain, he interrupts with a quiet sigh; gaze focusing instead on the drip hanging beside him, the one slowly filling with the liquid from his lungs, instead of his mother's pain-filled stare. "Can I be alone now? I just want to take a nap."

"Visiting hours are over in a couple of minutes anyway, Joshua. _Rest._ You need it."

 

~

 

He wakes to a darker room, dim aside from the lamp on his bedside table, and the feeling of familiarly warm fingers playing with his own.

And he wants to cry for the first time since being diagnosed when he looks across at the older man; Tyler looks exhausted, even more so than when he finishes a night shift, with those faint black circles beneath his obviously red-rimmed eyes that flutter where his head is resting on the other brunette's lap. His fluffy curls are pushed back messily, and he sniffles quietly as a finger trails the lines of Josh's knuckles.

Tyler flinches slightly when he moves his free hand, but instantaneously relaxes again when Josh runs his finger's back through his hair with a quiet hum.

"You should be at home. Sleeping, before your shift."

"Had to see you," he dismisses sleepily, peering up at the younger from his position with a watery blink and punctuating his point with a featherlight kiss to the tips of Josh's fingers. "Wouldn't have been able to sleep if I didn't... I'm so sorry, J."

"Don't be ridiculous," Josh hushes with a soothing swirl of his fingers through the curls sticking in every other direction, and shakes his head before the other man can even try to interrupt. "There isn't anything you could've possibly done to stop this from happening, so don't you dare start blaming yourself."

"If I hadn't taken you out-"

"If you hadn't taken me out yesterday, I would be extremely pissed off at you right now." With a quirk of his eyebrow, as if to challenge the other man to even try to argue back, the younger continues with a sincere smile, "I'm just glad I got to spend my last day of limited freedom out of this place, and with you, on what was probably the nicest date I've had since I started dating people."

Physically unable to not mirror the expression on Josh's face, the older man returns the fond smile as he leans further into the comfort of Josh's fingers, despite the fact that the conversation topic is anything but cheerful. "I think it's safe to say that your mom doesn't feel the same way about the situation."

"Wait, what?" he asks, only a slight stutter of surprise in his words and his fingers coming to a halt in their soothing motions; much to Tyler's distaste, if the pout that passes by his lips ever so briefly is anything to go by. "Did she seriously come and see you?"

"Oh yeah." Tyler tugs his already anxiously bitten bottom lip between his teeth, as if internally debating whether or not to continue for a split second, and sighs, "She was, well.. not happy, to say the least. She threatened to report me for misconduct, for apparently 'playing a part' in what happened to you. Imagine how she'd react if she saw the two of us now, or knew that I'd been kissing her precious son."

Josh fights the urge to laugh at the other man's half-hearted tease, chest already beginning to pang with dull aches from the way he's positioned as it is, and strokes a thumb softly along the brunette's jawline.  "Please don't pay attention to any of the things she said. She's just.. upset, I know, because we both usually deal with things in the same way. Express everything through anger instead of showing weakness, or something. She probably didn't actually mean half of the things that she came out with."

"I know, I know.. It's just-"

"It's just nothing," the younger interrupts with a shift of his thumb to Tyler's lips instead; silently shushing his worry and shooting him a smirk alongside his next words. "Look on the positive side - being even more susceptible to death means that I get a bigger bed. One with room for both of us.. if you'll stay with me?"

He briefly debates pulling the puppy-dog eyes card, but the older man is climbing onto the bed beside him before he even has the chance; not one hint of hesitation in his movements as he settles himself against the pillows, one hand reaching across to card through faded blue curls in return of the soothing massage, and a leg tangling itself between Josh's own as the thin sheet is hitched back over the two of them.

"I wish you'd stop talking about dying as if it's a short term problem we're going to have to face," Tyler murmurs quietly, in what is almost a defeated whisper, against his temple where his lips are just brushing Josh's skin; sending a shiver down his spine and causing an array of goosebumps to perk up across the skin of his exposed forearms.

And really, Josh figured, he'd be lying if he tried to claim that the cold rush was caused by the touch alone; the brunette's suggestion of his problems being a 'we' problem instead being more than enough to send him sick with adoration.

“And I wish you’d stop pretending that me dying isn’t a possibility,” the brunette hums in response, nose just grazing the skin of the older man’s cheek, as he reaches across to distractedly tangle the strings of Tyler’s hoodie between his fingers. “I appreciate the positivity, Ty.. I really do but..”

”Stop talking like that." Voice somehow stern despite remaining soft, Tyler interrupts his pessimistic train of thought with a warm hand pressed to his jaw; thumb tracing the line of the younger's cheekbone and his unshakeably confident gaze meeting Josh's own. “You are not going to die, Joshua.”

He wants to believe it. In fact, he almost does believe it, with the way the other man's eyes seem to radiate a look of nothing but hope, but Dr. Hill's words still linger in the back of his mind like a broken record on repeat.

He could be part of the 20%.

“You don’t know that.”

Clearly choosing to ignore the looming conversation of his deteriorating health, Tyler simply sighs and shifts his hand to instead tangle his fingers back through the younger's mess of unwashed curls; nails just scratching his scalp in a way that draws an instinctive sigh of relaxation from his lips, and the older man's breath hot against his skin with his next mumble. ”You need a haircut.” 

“Let’s dye it instead,” Josh grins, leaning into the touch of the other brunette's hand as he explains with a hum, “I want to go out in style, if it does happen, and I’ve kinda always wanted punk rock, colourful hair if I’m being honest.. Blue, maybe.” 

“Yeah?” the older asks, a mirrored goofy grin drawing on his lips in a way that shows off his adorably crooked teeth, and his finger looping around a particularly long curl when he tilts his head in consideration of the idea. “I’ll see what I can do.” 

A featherlight kiss is pressed to the tip of Tyler's nose, and Josh feels his stupid, shitty heart flutter sickeningly in his chest.

“Thank you.” 

 

~

 

True to his lingering promise, Tyler does turn up the following evening, still tired from his day shift, but with a box of perfectly obnoxious blue hairdye tucked into his backpack. The older man ends up with stained fingertips, and his ensuite bathroom has a few faded blue smudges here and there, but Josh deems the dye job a success when their gazes meet in the mirrors reflection. 

Tyler, being Tyler, assures him that he loves it before the question can even be asked and even solidifies his compliment with a kiss to his freshly dyed curls, despite joking that Josh’s mother may really want to kill him after she sees the damage that has already been done. 

Jordan, being the badass supportive brother that he is, high fives the former brunette the second that he sees the change on his next visit, and tells him that he’s ‘the coolest big brother in the world’ even if his hair does look a little like candy floss now. 

And his mother.

Of course, his mother almost turns a shade of deep red with annoyance when she tears open his curtains one morning and is met with something other than his natural brown curls, to which Josh simply explains that he at least wants to look cool in his casket if he’s going to have people visiting and circling his dead body like a group of vultures. 

She’s less than happy, to say the least. 

~

 

By the end of November, even if none of the people surrounding him want to admit it out loud or accept the facts of Josh’s condition, his health has deteriorated even further from the night of the incident at what feels like lightning speed. 

The cannula is no longer an optional aid, with the irritating plastic tubes taking up permanent residence in his nostrils and the consistent flow of artificial oxygen being pumped into his body leaving his throat sore and his voice hoarse. 

Instead of weekly, as it had first begun, his lungs were now drained of backed up fluid every few days to keep his chest from feeling as though it was caving in on itself; the thick needle jabbed between his ribs for hours at a time making crawling onto Tyler’s lap for kisses a painfully impossible feat. 

Walking is also one of those impossible feats, with his shitty useless heart being unable to handle getting out of bed for longer than a few minutes at a time, and though he had first pulled a face of complete and utter rejection the first time the brunette had walked into his room pushing a wheelchair in front of him, Josh had to admit that it was a miracle when it came to escaping the oncoming insanity of being trapped in that one room. 

Though in the boredom of those four walls, he'd started writing letters - one for Tyler to read, every Christmas, for as many years ahead as he could manage. In case he wasn't around anymore, Josh had reasoned when the older man had caught him in the midst of 2020's letter and had frowned at even the mere suggestion of not being around.

He isn’t sure if he’s above the water or not anymore. 

 

~

 

With the older man being his main support system as of late, as well as the one who starred in his dreams of fleeting kisses and gentle touches, there was never a time where he didn’t want Tyler around him, although he figured at that exact moment in time that his life would’ve been a hell of a lot easier had the nurse not made an appearance mid-family argument. 

“I don’t know what has gotten into you lately, Joshua, but this is..” His mother begins in the style of her usual rant, her tone less angry and more exhausted this time around, as she runs a hand down her face tiredly and huffs, “This is beyond ridiculous!” 

“Ma, it’s my choice and I.. “ he begins in rebuttal, though feels the words seem to dissipate from his tongue the second he catches sight of the door opening out of the corner of his eye; Tyler, pretty face painted with concern, appearing from behind and silently standing by in the entrance as the now blue-haired boy’s voice becomes a whisper, “..Can we not talk about this right now?” 

“What, do you think we’re supposed to just go home and act as if this never happened?” She laughs bitterly, and tilts her head at him questioningly almost as if he’s gone completely insane. “As if you haven’t just made the most important decision of your life without even thinking it through?” 

Clearly sending the hesitancy in Josh’s uncomfortable fidgeting when he makes eye contact with an equally confused Tyler across the room, Jordan breaks the tension with a clearing of his throat and a nod towards the hovering nurse. 

”Mom.” 

“Mrs. Dun.. I apologise if I’m interrupting or intruding in family business, but it’s time for-“ the older man begins to explain with the beginnings of a frown tugging at his lips, softly closing the door behind him with a click, though is interrupted by his mother’s incredulous scoff. 

Glare fixed on Josh, with nothing but the accusing point of her finger in the innocent brunette’s direction, she simply growls “Maybe he’ll be able to talk some sense into you, seeing as you care about a stranger’s opinion more than your family!” 

“Tyler isn’t just a stranger. He’s-“

And for once, he’s glad of his mother’s growing impatience and simultaneous frustration, and of the way she turns to storm out of the room with a stomp in her steps before he can even attempt to finish his defence. Because even if he had wanted to finish the sentence, he isn’t sure he even knows how to.

He just about catches the mouthed ‘sorry man’ sent his way by an apologetic looking Jordan, and then the door is being slammed shut and silence is engulfing him once more. 

Head falling back against his pillow with a huff, and a sigh of exhaustion slipping form between his lips, Josh blinks up at the brunette with a look that could mirror his brother's own. ”Sorry about her. Again.” 

“And what exactly am I supposed to be talking sense to you about?” Tyler asks with a quirk of his eyebrow, a hand instantly finding its usual place on the younger's thigh as he takes a seat on the edge of the bed; thumb beginning to move in slow, soothing circles as he waits patiently for the answer.

And though Tyler may have been the initial person Josh had wanted to keep in the loop when he had first gathered his thoughts the night before, because the older man really had grown to mean everything to him as of late, it feels near impossible to actually break the news when those curious eyes were scanning every inch of his face with a glimmer of dwindling hope.

“J, talk to me.”

”..I told them that I’ve made my decision, about the transplant," Josh blurts out in a break of the uneasiness in the air between them, with a bite of his lip so forceful that he's sure from the faint taste of copper on his tongue that he's broken the skin, and closes his eyes as he whispers in explanation, “I don’t want to have the operation when a donor comes through. If a donor comes through, that is.” 

Tyler's face drops almost in sync with his own stomach filling with the feeling of nausea; tired eyes blinking back at him like a fucking puppy who'd been kicked, and the corners of his lips downturning into the beginnings of a frown as his thumb stills in the soothing movements along his leg.

“I don’t understand.”

”There’s not much to understand,” he shrugs, voice raspy from what he wishes he could blame on the artificial oxygen, but was really just down to the unwillingness of the words to leave his lips when the brunette was looking at him that way; fingers playing with the edge of his bed sheet in distraction, “ _If_ is a huge part in all of this.. there’s no saying that I’m even going to find a donor match. My heart could give in tomorrow. And even if they do find a match? What’s saying that the operation is even going to work? The chance of that operation working in the state that my body is in now.. Ty, I..”

" _Hey,_ " the older man takes over in a gentle murmur, voice slightly shaken but warm just like their first meeting, and reaches a hand up to rest just beneath his jaw; a grounding tangle of fingers through messily dyed curls at the nape of his neck only making the tears starting to pool in his eyes come harder. “Breathe, baby, and listen to me. Your heart _could_ give in tomorrow, but they could also find a match tomorrow. You could have that operation and get your life back, J. The life that you missed out on, and the life that you deserve.” 

“I know, _I know_ I could but.. I’m scared, Tyler.” The confession slips past his lips as more humiliated choke than anything else, one hand flying up to swipe away at the wet patches touching his cheeks and his leg jolting away from the brunette's warm, too warm, touch with a sniff. “..I could lose everything either way.” 

Soft fingers find themselves brushing faintly along the length of his bare forearm instead, unaffected by the prior outburst, and there isn't even the faintest waver of nerves in his voice as Tyler soothes with a murmur, “I know that it’s scary, J, I know.. I can’t even begin to understand how it feels to have to make a decision like that, or go even have to through the things that you’re going through right now. But you don’t have to hide the fact that you’re scared. From me or from anyone else. It’s the most natural thing in the world.”

Just hearing those words, and the way endless support is something that the other man is willing to provide so effortlessly without even being asked, makes Josh want to cry even harder or maybe just apologise for dragging Tyler into his inevitable mess in the first place - something only halted by the brunette's next words.

“And I want you to know right now that I will support your decision either way. No matter what you choose to do.. as long as it makes you happy, J.” 

There's a dull ache rattling through his ribs, and he feels his heart falter on a beat or two from the sudden fast movement, but he doesn't care; all he can bring himself to mind are gentle hands on either side of his face and the bitten lips locked on his own and the way he's sure he can feel Tyler's own heart pounding against his chest as he clambers onto his lap with a whine.

He supposes that maybe heaven won't be so bad, if it feels anything like that.

Pulling back ever so slightly with a breathless bite of the older man's bottom lip, and meeting Tyler's hazy gaze with a smile of his own, Josh whispers slowly, ”I think I’m in love with you.” 

“Yeah?”

”Yeah.”

Lips softening into a grin, in the way that shows off his bottom row of crooked teeth, Tyler hums his response with a kiss to the tip of the younger's nose.

”I think I’ve been in love with you for a while now.” 

~

 

 

Being essentially permanently hospitalised and unable to leave the confines of the white-bricked building meant that a calendar or even a schedule was redundant, and Josh was sure that'd he'd lost track of what day of the week it even was months ago, but he thinks that it might just be December when he wakes that morning to the sight of glinting fairy lights strung along the corridors and a sparsely decorated tree in the visitor waiting area just beyond his door.

And as much as he wishes that the reminder didn't send one of those dull pangs rattling through his chest, the thought alone of knowing that yet another one of their family's Christmas Day's would be spent huddled around the hospital bed on crappy plastic chairs and eating dinner from to-go containers while the sounds of beeping machines echoed in sync with festive songs was more than enough to leave him feeling endlessly guilty. For taking away their chances at a normal life, and for once again having everything revolve around him without say.

The news broadcaster speaking quietly on the small TV hung just opposite of his bed warns of the beginning of snowstorms spreading across Ohio as temperatures plummet, and he's huddled in his wheelchair beside the radiator and watching the view from his box window slowly turn to nothing but white in the distance when the door creaks open behind him; Tyler, scrub-less, wrapped up in a checkered scarf and hooded coat and hauling a cardboard box almost the same height as him, appearing with that sickeningly sweet smile on his lips.

Suspicious box being leant up against the wall with a huff and a puff of his cheeks that are flushed a shade of rosy pink no doubt from the biting winds outside, the brunette approaches him with a sigh and leans down to meet his lips in a fleeting kiss before the younger can even request one in a whine.

Unusually cold hands cup either side of his face, a slight squeak leaving his lips at the contact, and Josh embarrassingly shivers in the older man's hold; not from the cool sensation, but from the way the stubble that's begun to scatter across the brunette's jaw and above his upper lip, that shouldn't be as attractive as it is, just lightly grazes his skin.

"Good morning."

"Hi," Josh grins, uncaring of just how nauseatingly infatuated his airy greeting sounds, and reaches up to swipe away at the slowly melting remains of an odd snowflake or two on the older man's cheek as he continues, "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but.. I thought you were on morning shifts all this week?"

"I am for the rest of the week, but we have this dumb agreement here between the staff," Tyler begins in explanation, the black beanie hidden beneath his hood being pulled off to reveal messy curls sweeping in odd directions as he kneels down in front of the younger. He runs a hand back through his hair in a half-hearted attempt to fix it, and shrugs "If it's your birthday, you get a shift off and someone will cover you so.. Here I am."

" _Wait.._ it's your birthday?" the blue-haired boy asks, having only just caught the piece of information with how offhand Tyler's mention of it was, and scrunches his eyebrows in confusion, "What the hell, man? Why wouldn't you tell me? I would've got you something, or y'know.. made an effort today."

Eyes rolling softly at Josh's unnecessary fussing, though his lips pull back into an adoring smile that shows off a glimpse of his crooked row of bottom teeth anyway, the brunette explains, "Because I don't need people to fuss over the day I was born. I don't see the point in us dedicating a whole day to me, when there's much more important people who deserve my time and attention."

And Josh wants to roll his eyes in an imitation of the other man at both the sappy comment and the dismissal of his birthday, but he can't help but do much more than flush a shade that matches Tyler's own windswept cheeks when he's being looked at like that.

"And the box?"

"That, my love," the older man smiles, with a sweep of his hand in the direction of the mystery and his singular dimple seeming to dig further into his cheek,  "is our first Christmas tree. I thought we could decorate it together and put it up in here, y'know, to make the place a little more festive."

Reaching out, he tangles his fingers back through the brunette's mess hair to correct the mess himself; unable to stop the equally dumb grin forcing itself onto his own lips at the stupidly mushy idea alone as he raises an eyebrow with his next question. "What would you say if I told you that I actually happen to hate Christmas?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Tyler dismisses, nose scrunching up in disapproval and his hand linking itself with the younger's own just to tug it back down to his lips and plant an absentminded kiss to his knuckles. "Nobody hates Christmas."

The tree, as with everything else in their lives apparently, turns out to be only somewhat successful - the older man childishly spending more time sat on Josh's lap, looping strings of tinsel around his neck and stealing kisses at every chance he finds than actually paying attention to where he's placing the mismatched ornaments, and the blue-haired boy being just as equally distracted by that look on Tyler's face; the look of adoration in those sleepy eyes that sets his stomach on fire. 

He thinks that maybe, just maybe, he's simultaneously the luckiest and unluckiest man in the world.

 

~

 

It happens at exactly 3:32AM, in the early morning of December 24th.

He's woken from his drowsiness by the sudden commotion just outside of his room, the bright lights of the corridor peeking through the thin slits in his blinds and the recognisable demands of Dr. Hill's voice just about reaching his ears through the cracked open door; there's an unfamiliar nurse slipping into the room before he can even fully wake up, her nimble fingers fiddling with one of machines beside his bed, and then he hears the words that had once seemed far from reach.

"A match has been found for you, Mr. Dun."

He can just about hear Dr. Hill explaining that a donor heart is on hold for him, that he has limited time to make his decision, and some other medical nonsense that probably should be more important to him than it is in the moment - the haziness just about cutting through the buzz of confused noise filling his ears, but all he can focus on and think about is Tyler.

_Tyler._

"Tyler. Where's Tyler?" He interrupts, voice still groggy from sleepy and his gaze darting directly to the other man out of panic; legs kicking the sheets from off of the top of him and a huff of breathlessness taking over as he pushes himself towards the edge of the mattress. "I need to talk to him."

The grey-haired man raises an eyebrow at the disruption, probably holding back a tired sigh, and taps his fingers against the back of his clipboard. "Nurse Joseph is currently on call in another wing of the hospital and occupied with other patients. We can pass on a message afterwards if it's urgent, but it wouldn't be professional to interrupt his work as of right now and it's vital that we focus on the issue at hand. Your family have already been informed and are on the way to see you now. Please take some time to consider your options, Joshua, and rest. The consultant and leading surgeon will be here shortly to speak to you too."

 

~

It’s all a blurred rush, but somehow also the slowest 20 minutes of his life at the same time. 

He’s bombarded with a flurry of hugs and kisses and wishes of good luck and medical reassurances that mean absolutely nothing to him; the shoulder of his medical gown is damp with someone’s tears, he's not sure exactly who's, and he's barely thinking straight when he grabs ahold of Jordan's wrist just seconds before being wheeled down to the operating theatre.

He can barely stand to look his brother in the eye, to see the pity and justified worry painted right across his face, when the brunette's free hand rests on top of his own with a reassuring squeeze.

"You're gonna be okay, J," Jordan whispers, seemingly sensing the outright dread in the firmness of his vice-like grip, and shoots him a wavering smile. "You can do this. You're the strongest guy I know."

Josh sighs, bottom lip bitten as a ploy to stop a flood of emotions from pouring straight out like a burst open dam, as he loosens his grip ever so slightly and whispers the only thing he thinks there's left to say with a feigned smile of his own.

"Tell Tyler that if he's not the first person by my bedside when I wake up, then he's in the doghouse.. okay?"

Jordan just about lets out a half-amused, half-heartbroken laugh, and then he's being led down the winding white corridor for the last time.

 

_ ~ _

 

 

_ My Ty, _

_ Merry Christmas, or whatever. I don’t know if you’ll even stick to the rules of only reading these letters at Christmas, or if you’ll even bother reading them at all, but it’s the best I could do. You know, if I’m gone and all.  _

_ As I’m writing this, I’m not sure about whether or not there really is something after death like.. heaven or some kind of spirit world where my ghost can hang around and hopefully get my fill of seeing you naked, to make up from all the times I missed out on Earth, but just in case there isn’t and I don’t have a way of checking in on you.. I just hope that you’re doing well, and looking after yourself properly. You never did get enough sleep, or give yourself a break from taking care of other people to just take the time to breathe.  _

_ Maybe you’re the angel out of the two of us after all. Definitely, actually. _

_ And maybe I’m overestimating my importance in your life here, but if I really did mean as much to you as you meant to me, then I hope you’re not still sad and moping around if I’m not here anymore. I don’t want it to have to be that way. I don’t want you to feel guilty for anything that happened, or still tied to the idea of mourning over me, because you deserve so much more than that.  _

_ I want you to be able to move on and live the life that I never got to, for both of our sakes.  _

_ I love you.  _

_ J ❤️ _

_ P.S. Sorry this was so short, but it’s kinda hard to think of enough things to say to fill letters for as many future years as I can think of. I’d rather just kiss you than be a sap about my feelings.  _

_ P.P.S. The $50 in here is for you to buy a new game of your choice - Jordan says he’ll kick your ass at anything in my place. _

 

There’s a quiet rustle from beneath the sheets, a pale arm stretching out to brush cool fingers against the skin of his hip, and a face appears just underneath the letter; nose nuzzling into the bare skin of his stomach and untamed curls of pink hair gently tickling him. 

Voice still raspy from sleep and muffled from where bitten lips are pressed just against his sternum, the pink haired boy breaks the silence of the morning with a yawn. 

“I took my 50 bucks back, by the way.” 

“Christmas is ruined,” Tyler sighs dramatically in response, with an instinctively loving roll of his eyes at the admission as he reaches out the rest the scrawled letter on the bedside table. “And good morning to you too.” 

“S’not a good morning till you give me that kiss that I specifically remember mentioning in my letter,” the younger mumbles sleepily, and lifts his head to peer up at the brunette with a slow blink of those puppy dog eyes that somehow still manage to melt his heart as easily over a year on as they did on day one.

Never one to deny Josh of anything that he asked, warm hands take a hold of either side of his face with a tender brush of thumbs along the faint freckles that scatter his cheeks and Tyler leans down to meet bitten lips in the middle; breath becoming a low hum at the taste of lingering cocoa on the other boy’s tongue and the way teeth slowly tugged at his bottom lip.

“Why were you reading that anyway?” Josh murmurs with a trail of his fingers along the stretch of his boyfriend’s bare chest, and another gentle trail of pecks across the curve of his jaw. “I thought you got rid of those.” 

“I was never going to throw them away,” the brunette dismisses, eyes fluttering closed at the featherlight touches and a freed up hand instantly finding itself tangling in the mess of bright bedhair, as he buries his nose into the curls in the search of the younger’s comforting scent, “It was nice. To read what you would’ve wanted to say, and what you would’ve wanted me to know.. I love you too, by the way.” 

With a simple sigh of contentment, Josh rests his head on the older man’s shoulder with a final kiss to his tanned shoulder and smiles, “I know.” 

Tyler's arm worms it's way back beneath the sheets to loop around his waist, those usually warm fingers curling just above the younger's hip, and he rests his chin in the midst of pink curls as he hums in observation,  “Snow looks like it’s getting bad out there.” 

He watches the flurry of snowflakes just beyond their window, visible through the gap left in the curtains, and relaxes into the comfort of his boyfriend's arms with a flutter of his eyelashes at the warmth alone. "..How about we don't go to my parents house today? I don't know about you but a day in bed watching Christmas movies and kissing you sounds like heaven to me. I know it won't be a real Christmas but-"

"I don't care about any of that stuff, J," the brunette concludes, his free hand slipping beneath the material of the younger's t-shirt and fingers tenderly tracing the narrow streak of pinkened, puckered skin that remained on his chest, "Having you here is the best present I could’ve asked for anyway.. Don't need anything else."

“Ty?” 

“Hm?”

”That was disgusting."

"Shut up, asshole, and let me kiss you until your lungs can't take it anymore."

And maybe, he decides, as Tyler's laugh rings through their bedroom and those warm arms wrap around his waist and those bitten lips scatter across every inch of his body, he must've been the luckiest man in the world after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part of the story was intended to be finished before Christmas, but I lost the motivation and love I had for it, so sorry about that.  
> Also sorry if the ending isn't satisfying, or seems rushed, but I couldn't leave it unfinished and wanted to get it over with.
> 
> I promise I'll find motivation again soon and finish my other works too.
> 
> ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 coming soon ❤️


End file.
